I’m gonna start reviewing games I’ve never played before. I haven’t played a lot of games, mainly due to the fact that I’m
very poor filthy stinking rich and I don’t have time for them when I could be rubbing my body with $200 dollar bills.
Red Dead Redemption
Red Dead is a game about a cowboy named John Marston. He’s the ruff ‘n tumble motherfucker that you see in a lot of cowboy movies, but this time it’s a videogame, so it’s different. Actually, it does look different. He’s voiced well and he looks dead sexy for a bundle of pixels. From what I’ve gathered from TV ads, trailers, and horrible award shows, John is a family man. He has a son named Jack and an ugly wife named, well, I forgot her name. He also apparently likes to play guitar and mopey ol’ cowboy songs, as designated by a successful online comic.
Cowboy Marston’s favorite past time seems to be riding a horse around a desert for hours, occasionally slowing down time using Cowboy Magic so he can shoot foxes and cougars. I don’t know how Cowboy Magic works exactly, but it must have something to do with gazing angrily for miles with a face that looks like his horse let loose a ripe one in his face. At least that’s what Clint Eastwood did.
The best part of Red Dead Redemption is it’s title. First of all, you have Red. It represents many things about the Wild West: Blood, Clay, Injuns. Then you have Dead. Well, a successful AAA game in today’s market would be nothing if people weren’t dead from time to time in a game, so it’s helpful to know a game has dead things in it by having Dead in the title. Also, I guess there are zombies now. Why the fuck not? Then the word Redemption is here. A lot of sequels do this (Red Dead Redemption is a sequel to Red Dead Revolver). When making a sequel to a game, you have a few options:
1) Put the a number after it. Or before it as with 4 Resident Evil
2) Add an “s” to the end of the title a là Aliens
3) Change it’s name completely, lookin at you First Blood. You turned into Rambo II: First Blood Part II for you sequel.
or 4) Add a word that starts with “Re” to the end of it.
Why are words that start with RE so necessary to define a sequel? Here, let me try:
Red Dead Rifle
Red Dead Hunter
Red Dead Tea Party
Red Dead Communist Party (I like this one, it has Dead and Communist next to each other in that order.)
Red Dead Auto Theft
See? Not hard. Well, that’s enough of me being a fag-cunt. See you whenever the fuck I want to post.